The Four Nerds

The video game industry has come a long ways in the last 20 years.  Fortunately for us, so has video game advertising.  Without further ado, here’s the worst five NES commercials that YouTube has to offer.

5) Little Nemo: The Dream Master

OK. Let me get this straight. There’s a van. It drives around, and has a “Dream Scope” that views your dreams. The people in the van, they’re going to use those dreams to create video games. For an only mildly creepy game, this is an incredibly creepy advertising plot. Those people in the van are just a little too excited about these dreams. Honestly, a game about people chasing down creepy dreams in the van might be really fun.

4)Crystalis

Whoa, sweet. Totally doesn’t look like something a bunch of 14 year old LARPers made in their mom’s backyard. My favorite part are all of the… uh… fantastic beasts. Check out the 10 second mark, that behind the puppet shot rocks my socks. The African safari music at the beginning is pretty inspiring too. I really want to play this game, thank god they told me what it was about. Wait, there wasn’t any gameplay footage? I’ll assume you slaughter puppets.

3) Nintendo CGI Montage

So, Nintendo’s telling me that it’s impossible to beat them? I wouldn’t even try if I were you. I do hate that damn dog though. He’s even more of a douche in high-polygon render 3D. And what’s with the upwards inflection when that duck says robot partner? It’s like he’s not sure if you really have a robot. I’m more scared than itching to buy an NES. No thanks.

2) Tetris

This might be the most intense commercial I’ve ever seen; I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, did that little kid dressed as a doctor tell me that I don’t need to touch myself?? That doesn’t seem age appropriate at all. I’m really not sure why that opera singer is in there at all. Are they trying to imply that her singing imploded that building? Or are they saying that poor Tetris players might make unstable buildings. By completing the bottom floor of the building, did it disappear and lead to the collapse? Tetris terrorism right there. And thank god they rotated that kid’s head just enough before it hit his neck. I also really really enjoy that kid showing off his geometry skills and trying to look cool. All in all, it’s a sensory overload of acid trip proportions.

1) The Legend of Zelda

This cracks me up every time I see it. Could anyone be less cool than the kid on the left? And who the hell holds a controller like that? Your hands would cramp up so so badly. Not only is this rap about a really really nerdy subject, they don’t even rap well. How many syllables were in that one line? Too many. And I knew how to hook up my Nintendo really young. I did not need my parent’s help.

Honorable Mention: Nintendo Cereal System