Technology Pioneers: 4 Little Facts About the People who Started It All

Where would we be today without computers?  Well…I would still be jerking off to magazines.  I mean, who does that anymore!?.  It’s hard to even imagine.  Anyways, it’s likely that computers have revolutionized YOUR life far more than for just “personal” reasons, and thus we present to you these four interesting facts about the brilliant folks who helped give you facebook and twitter (which of course are undeniably good for your health).

1:  Alan Turing had breasts!

Oh baby...look at those "ta-ta's"!

Oh yes, but we’re not talking here about man boobs.  We are talking about succulent, prominent, estrogen induced breasts…

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Ok, this requires a little more explanation.  Alan Turing, known for his great contributions to theoretical computer science, performed his work in the UK during the first half of the 20th century.  Unfortunately for him though, he was a homosexual living in a place and time when homosexuality was believed to be a disease.  Needless to say, Turing was prosecuted for his beliefs and given an estrogen supplement intended to “cure his disease”…hence the hot breasts.  This story is a sad one though, as Turing eventually took his own life due to this prosecution.

2:  The Rear Admiral Finds a Bug…A REAL ONE!

Woah! Suddenly Turing's chest isn't looking so bad!

What the hell does this title even mean!?  Rear Admiral, that sounds a little weird.  Yes, to those of you not familiar with the military, Rear Admiral is an actual position, and this person’s job has nothing to do with other people’s “bums”.   Rear Admiral Grace Hopper, yes she’s a girl, is known as the first computer programmer.  In fact, she coined the term “debugging” when referring to fixing problems in computer code.

Hopper was even involved in the discovery of the first real bug, which in fact was a moth who flew into the hardware of a computer and was stuck.  The moth died, positioning itself in such a position that the flow of electricity in the circuits could not function.  Grace Hopper delivered the obvious “debugging” joke with such elegance and class that the term would become both beloved and utterly painful for millions of future programmers.  The Rear Admiral got us again!

The first bug...what a jerk

3:  Charles Babbage was a Pot Roast

This guy was also lowered into Mt. Vesuvius to view the lava...weirdo

Mmmmm…who doesn’t love a good pot roast.  I’m sure Charles Babbage did.  So much in fact that he decided to try and become one.  Babbage was known for being the designer of the first “General Purpose Computer”.  He was fascinated by the inner workings of almost anything.  He was known for slipping behind stage at the theater to examine how all the mechanical parts worked to produce a show.

But he could not fight the urge to be on my dinner plate next to some homemade mashed potatoes.  Babbage once chose to have himself baked in an oven for six minutes at 275 degrees.  He reported that he experienced “no great discomfort”.  Every one else reported that “the meat was way too raw”.

4:  Bill Gates Hates Money

Oh Bill, please pick up your money. You can at least wipe your ass with it

Wait…What?  this is ridiculous!  No way!  Ladies and gentlemen, this claim is easily asserted, and is based on the obvious assumption that everything on the internet is true.  The following statistic is found all over the internet…

If Gates drops a thousand dollar bill, he won’t even bother to pick it up because during the 4 seconds he takes to pick it up, he would’ve already earned it back.

Let’s assume that this statement is in fact true (it has to be…right?).  We can also assume that Bill Gates is good at math, I mean the guy scored a 1590 on his SAT.  Thus, Bill Gates should know that if he picks up the bill (pun intended), he not only makes his $1000 over the four seconds, but also makes back the $1000 he dropped, giving him a net gain of $1000.  However, if he leaves the bill (haha…same pun), then he loses $1000 but earns it back over the 4 seconds, netting him $0.  Thus, Bill Gates is consciously choosing to not earn money.  I guess he hates money.