The Four Nerds

No. It does not.

Welcome to the 1990’s video game advertising! There was a noticeable jump in quality from the commercials seen in the NES era. That being said, a lot of the themes carried over: grungy city scenes, punks loving Nintendo, and weird metaphors. Without further ado, here are the 5 worst Super Nintendo commercials:

5)Killer Instinct

Kids that look like this do not use language that need to be bleeped out creatively. Even if they do, I’m not sold that even in the dorkiest days of my childhood that I would have wanted to be like them. They’re so uncool it makes my blood hurt.

4)Yoshi’s Island

Yet another treasured game from my childhood that I’ll now have terrible terrible associations with. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Yeah, I get the metaphor: the folks at Nintendo packed TOO MUCH into a game. Oh and Yoshi really packs in the food. That’s cool and all, but I really don’t want to be that disturbed and disgusted. And what kind of ghetto diner are they at anyways? I’m just scared at this point. And want no part of this game.

3)The SNES “Super Set”

Things aren’t all bad in this commercial. Huge SNES? As a kid that sounds cool. Guy in tuxedo? I’m willing to listen to someone dressed up like that. Three scantily clad female Marios? Really really confusing. And why would you ever sing into a plunger?? That seems terribly unhygienic. Am I supposed to be aroused by them? I don’t want Mario to turn me on! I don’t think I do anyways. I feel like this commercial might have been more than a little confusing for lots of prepubescent kids out there. It’s certainly still confusing for me.

2)A Link to the Past

When I first saw this, I assumed that there was no way in hell this was a real commercial. I assumed some dorks out there got together, dressed up and pranced around to some sweet sweet tunes. Well, I assumed wrong. This is a legit commercial. Once again, we appear to have one of our heroes portrayed by a girl. For some reason this doesn’t seem half as creepy though. Maybe it’s because the whole commercial is so incredibly strange. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen Link in this kind of situation before. Other than that, this commercial is just creepy. Way scarier than the game.

1)The Super Nintendo Entertainment System

At first this commercial just seems to be full of generic early 90’s stereotypes. A grungy landscape. A bunch of punk kids. Seizure inducing flashing light. Snoozers. And the worst part is… wait a second. Is that Paul Rudd??

Dear God, it is Paul Rudd! Overly enthusiastic Paul Rudd in fact! Creepily happy and intense Paul Rudd! Who the hell gets their start in video game commercials? Paul Rudd does. This one’s to you Paul. Keep up the good work.


Did I miss any other good ones? Let me know in the comments.

Alright nerds, I got something to keep you guys… “entertained” this weekend. The Super Mario 3 Drinking Game. Intrigued? You should be. It’s a (somewhat) simple game, so grab an opponent, a case of cheap domestic brew (root beer of course), and Mario 3 (the original NES version is always preferred, but we’ll let you slide by with Virtual Console, All-Stars, or any other version you got). Load up Mario 3, find a couple controllers, and get ready to roll.

Note: Know your limits.  Don’t drink too much root beer.  Don’t drive after drinking root beer.  Don’t do anything stupid.

The Rules

Play some game of chance to decide who plays as Mario and who gets stuck being Luigi.  You play through the game as normal, but certain things will trigger you, or your opponent, to drink:

• Getting hit by an enemy: Drink 1 second
• Losing a life: Drink 3 seconds
  • This is cumulative with the first rule
• Each extra life you gain: Your opponent drinks 1 second
  • This includes extra lives gained by getting 100 coins, the card flipping game, collecting mushroom/flower/star cards at the end of a level, 1-UP mushrooms, and the spinning Spade Matching game (more on this game later)

For instance, Mario starts the first level.  He gets hit once (one drink for Mario), finds a 1-UP mushroom (one drink for Luigi), gets hit again (one drink for Mario) which causes him to die (three more drinks for Mario).  Mario must drink a total of five seconds, while Luigi owes one second.  The active player is allowed to take all of his drinks at the end of the level as to keep him from having to pause to drink.  Simple enough?  Well let’s examine a couple more rules.

• When entering a normal Mushroom house to receive an item, one of several things can happen:
  • You get a mushroom: You drink 1 second
  • You get a flower: Your opponent drinks 1 second
  • You get a leaf: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
  • You get any other item: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
• Anytime you receive an item which can be used on the world map other than items from a mushroom house: your opponent drinks 1 second, with the exception of…
  • If you receive a “superior” item, your opponent drinks an additional second.  Superior items include Whistles, Frog Suits, Tanooki Suits, Hammer Bro. Suits, and Clouds.

Basically, whenever you receive an item (except mushrooms from mushroom houses), your opponent must drink at least once, twice if it is a good item, or a leaf from a mushroom house.  One last set of rules about the spinning matching (Spade) game:

• Whenever a Spade Game is available, you MUST enter it.
  • If you win, your opponent must drink the amount of extra lives you receive (2 for mushrooms, 3 for flowers, 5 for stars)
  • If you lose, you must drink the highest valued part you selected.
    • For instance, if you end up with Flower/Mushroom/Mushroom, you drink 3 seconds because of the Flower.  With Star/Mushroom/Flower, you would drink 5 seconds because of the Star showing.

Although not a rule, players who decide to finish a world without finishing every level should be ridiculed relentlessly.  Also, engaging in the mini game where a player challenges his opponent where they have to collect 5 coins is highly discouraged, but the player instigating this game must drink 2 seconds before he may start playing the game.  The loser must also drink for 1 second.  There are several extra rules that can be implemented if so desired:

• If more than two people want to play, players may split into teams.  Both members of a team must drink.
• If an odd number of players want to play, they should be split into three teams.  The third team must drink when either of the other teams should drink.  They gain control from another team when either of the other teams lose a life.  That team then must drink for both teams until one loses a life.
• Experienced players, try this for an added challenge: when you are the active player, you must drink directly after you get hit, no pausing.  This makes for some interesting situations – which hand do you want to drink with, etc.

Enjoy the weekend and give this game a shot.  Let us know how it goes.  And remember, don’t do anything too stupid.