The Four Nerds

The video game industry has come a long ways in the last 20 years.  Fortunately for us, so has video game advertising.  Without further ado, here’s the worst five NES commercials that YouTube has to offer.

5) Little Nemo: The Dream Master

OK. Let me get this straight. There’s a van. It drives around, and has a “Dream Scope” that views your dreams. The people in the van, they’re going to use those dreams to create video games. For an only mildly creepy game, this is an incredibly creepy advertising plot. Those people in the van are just a little too excited about these dreams. Honestly, a game about people chasing down creepy dreams in the van might be really fun.

4)Crystalis

Whoa, sweet. Totally doesn’t look like something a bunch of 14 year old LARPers made in their mom’s backyard. My favorite part are all of the… uh… fantastic beasts. Check out the 10 second mark, that behind the puppet shot rocks my socks. The African safari music at the beginning is pretty inspiring too. I really want to play this game, thank god they told me what it was about. Wait, there wasn’t any gameplay footage? I’ll assume you slaughter puppets.

3) Nintendo CGI Montage

So, Nintendo’s telling me that it’s impossible to beat them? I wouldn’t even try if I were you. I do hate that damn dog though. He’s even more of a douche in high-polygon render 3D. And what’s with the upwards inflection when that duck says robot partner? It’s like he’s not sure if you really have a robot. I’m more scared than itching to buy an NES. No thanks.

2) Tetris

This might be the most intense commercial I’ve ever seen; I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, did that little kid dressed as a doctor tell me that I don’t need to touch myself?? That doesn’t seem age appropriate at all. I’m really not sure why that opera singer is in there at all. Are they trying to imply that her singing imploded that building? Or are they saying that poor Tetris players might make unstable buildings. By completing the bottom floor of the building, did it disappear and lead to the collapse? Tetris terrorism right there. And thank god they rotated that kid’s head just enough before it hit his neck. I also really really enjoy that kid showing off his geometry skills and trying to look cool. All in all, it’s a sensory overload of acid trip proportions.

1) The Legend of Zelda

This cracks me up every time I see it. Could anyone be less cool than the kid on the left? And who the hell holds a controller like that? Your hands would cramp up so so badly. Not only is this rap about a really really nerdy subject, they don’t even rap well. How many syllables were in that one line? Too many. And I knew how to hook up my Nintendo really young. I did not need my parent’s help.

Honorable Mention: Nintendo Cereal System

Not really a game, but “Super Mario Chunks” says it all.

Let’s face it; every single family has one child that they simply don’t like as much as the rest.  Whether the family is embarrassed that the child is uglier than sin, or that he gets picked on so much at school that even the parents know that this kid is less cool that Jared from Subway, one kid just isn’t quite as good as the rest.

And the bigger and more prestigious the family is, the more likely that one of the offspring is really pathetic.  For those of you who are shaking your head at this thought, I’ve got bad news for you: you are that child.  Suck it up, you’re not alone.  In fact you’re in good company, because this phenomenon is not limited to families.  Yes, as Moses wrote in commandment 14, “In any good video game series thou shalt have one black sheep”.  One of the biggest black sheep of video game history is Zelda II: The Adventure of Link.  This is a game that is looked at as the weakest link (pun intended) in a legendary(pun intended) video game series.  But if you dig past the mud that has been slung by video game critics and fans alike, you may be surprised to find that it is not only a rich and rewarding game, but a piece of video game history that bridged a gap to future releases.

Why it is Considered Terrible

It may be surprising to some readers, but Zelda II was actually a pretty impressive financial success for Nintendo.  People were hungry for a game with the depth and mystique that the original Legend of Zelda held.  Although is was not universally panned by critics and gamers, many were left wanting more of the gameplay that the original had blown them away with.  As time moved forward, this feeling only intensified.  This, compounded with the fact that Nintendo released what many consider to be one of the greatest games of all time in A Link to the Past, which was cut from the same mold as the original, has given us in the present a less than stellar view of the second entry in the Zelda franchise.  That being said, here were some of the major gripes people had with Zelda II:

1) What’s with this Sidescrolling Shit?

I’m sure that there were a few poor saps back in the day that picked up Zelda II without reading any reviews or seeing any advertisements for it (remember that the game was released in an era without internet and with very few media sources to cover gaming). After blowing in their cartridge and popping it into their NES, they were greeted with this as the start of the game:

“Uh, is this a Zelda game? What the hell is up with this?? Jumping? You can’t jump in Zelda! I’m supposed to be watching the action from the sky. And who is that laying there – I already saved Zelda! It looks like I’m at her funeral”

Yeah, it’s a bit of a departure from what you, the Zelda enthusiast, might have been expecting. Although part of the game does indeed take place in an overhead view, most of the action of the game is found in the side-scrolling areas, which incidentally seem to be at the heart of the problem people had this this game.

2) Where are my items?

Many of those who were willing to tolerate the departure from top down gameplay were dismayed to see that Nintendo has taken away yet another key gameplay element present in the original: item collecting. Don’t get me wrong, Zelda II had items, but they were passive (candles that lit up rooms, a cross that lets you see invisible enemies, etc.) compared to the active items in the original (bombs, boomerangs, magic wands, bow and arrow). Quick question: would you rather have a candle, or bombs when faced with legions of Gannon’s forces? Yeah, I thought so.  It can hardly even be called a Zelda game without a boomerang, right?  The active items were replaced with a magic system that we’ll take a look at later.

3) It just wasn’t the The Legend of Zelda

The title of the game says it all: Zelda II: The Adventure of Link; this game simply shares less in common with the rest of the series than any other Zelda game. It remains the only Zelda game to forgo the traditional Legend of Zelda title, and possibly with good reason. Zelda fans, both from yesteryear and today, wanted and craved more of the puzzle solving, expanse exploring, top down goodness that we today know simply as a “Zelda game”. It’s gotten to the point that this has become a genre of sorts – I for one have frequently described games as being “Zelda-esque”. Can you describe Zelda II as “Zelda-esque”? I’m not sold that one can. And that was why this game remains a disappointment to so many people. However, another look at this game will show why common perception might be wrong, and this game is really a diamond in the rough.

Check out the conclusion to this article:

http://www.thefournerds.com/games-you-didn%E2%80%99t-know-you-liked-%E2%80%93-zelda-ii-the-adventure-of-link-part-2/