The Four Nerds

The video game industry has come a long ways in the last 20 years.  Fortunately for us, so has video game advertising.  Without further ado, here’s the worst five NES commercials that YouTube has to offer.

5) Little Nemo: The Dream Master

OK. Let me get this straight. There’s a van. It drives around, and has a “Dream Scope” that views your dreams. The people in the van, they’re going to use those dreams to create video games. For an only mildly creepy game, this is an incredibly creepy advertising plot. Those people in the van are just a little too excited about these dreams. Honestly, a game about people chasing down creepy dreams in the van might be really fun.

4)Crystalis

Whoa, sweet. Totally doesn’t look like something a bunch of 14 year old LARPers made in their mom’s backyard. My favorite part are all of the… uh… fantastic beasts. Check out the 10 second mark, that behind the puppet shot rocks my socks. The African safari music at the beginning is pretty inspiring too. I really want to play this game, thank god they told me what it was about. Wait, there wasn’t any gameplay footage? I’ll assume you slaughter puppets.

3) Nintendo CGI Montage

So, Nintendo’s telling me that it’s impossible to beat them? I wouldn’t even try if I were you. I do hate that damn dog though. He’s even more of a douche in high-polygon render 3D. And what’s with the upwards inflection when that duck says robot partner? It’s like he’s not sure if you really have a robot. I’m more scared than itching to buy an NES. No thanks.

2) Tetris

This might be the most intense commercial I’ve ever seen; I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, did that little kid dressed as a doctor tell me that I don’t need to touch myself?? That doesn’t seem age appropriate at all. I’m really not sure why that opera singer is in there at all. Are they trying to imply that her singing imploded that building? Or are they saying that poor Tetris players might make unstable buildings. By completing the bottom floor of the building, did it disappear and lead to the collapse? Tetris terrorism right there. And thank god they rotated that kid’s head just enough before it hit his neck. I also really really enjoy that kid showing off his geometry skills and trying to look cool. All in all, it’s a sensory overload of acid trip proportions.

1) The Legend of Zelda

This cracks me up every time I see it. Could anyone be less cool than the kid on the left? And who the hell holds a controller like that? Your hands would cramp up so so badly. Not only is this rap about a really really nerdy subject, they don’t even rap well. How many syllables were in that one line? Too many. And I knew how to hook up my Nintendo really young. I did not need my parent’s help.

Honorable Mention: Nintendo Cereal System

Not really a game, but “Super Mario Chunks” says it all.

“There’s a gap in between
There’s a gap where we meet
Where I end and you begin”

So begins Radiohead’s eponymously titled song.  One of many philosophical gems the band buried in a mess of glorious gibberish on their 2005 album Hail to the Thief.  They pose the question perfectly, where DO you end, where DO you begin?  What is “you”?  That’s right, I’m about to get metaphysical ALL over your ass!

The concept of the “Extended Mind” was first put forth by the metaphysicists Andy Clark and David Chalmers.  In case you are wondering, a metaphysicist is someone who likes to make things horribly more complicated than necessary.  Here are two easy to understand examples: the spelling of the word “metaphysicist” and the movie Synechdoche, New York.

Metaphysicists are usually strong proponents of hallucinatory drugs, which probably explains how they came to be
metaphysicists.  A google image search reveals what your everyday metaphysicist looks like.

Now that you fully understand the meaning of this word, let’s move on.  Clark and Chalmers make a pretty strong case that the human “mind” is not contained within its skull.  Here is the link if you want to read more: http://tinyurl.com/ydo78rx
I began reading this paper thinking it was about the Extended Mind, but then to my delight, I discovered it was about Tetris!!  As the Tetris metaphor deepened, they began to lose me.  What does all this talk of cognition and memory have to do with Tetris?!  Swimming fish?  Otto and Twin Otto?!  I decided that I would best understand their main points if I briefly skimmed the rest of the paper.  This purportedly fictional tale illustrates their point:

“First, consider a normal case of belief embedded in memory. Inga hears from a friend that there is an exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art, and decides to go see it. She thinks for a moment and recalls that the museum is on 53rd Street, so she walks to 53rd Street and goes into the museum. It seems clear that Inga believes that the museum is on 53rd Street, and that she believed this even before she consulted her memory. It was not previously an occurrent belief, but then neither are most of our beliefs. The belief was sitting somewhere in memory, waiting to be accessed.

Now consider Otto. Otto suffers from Alzheimer’s disease, and like many Alzheimer’s patients, he relies on information in the environment to help structure his life. Otto carries a notebook around with him everywhere he goes. When he learns new information, he writes it down. When he needs some old information, he looks it up. For Otto, his notebook plays the role usually played by a biological memory. Today, Otto hears about the exhibition at the Museum of Modern Art, and decides to go see it. He consults the notebook, which says that the museum is on 53rd Street, so he walks to 53rd Street and goes into the museum.

Clearly, Otto walked to 53rd Street because he wanted to go to the museum and he believed the museum was on 53rd Street. And just as Inga had her belief even before she consulted her memory, it seems reasonable to say that Otto believed the museum was on 53rd Street even before consulting his notebook. For in relevant respects the cases are entirely analogous: the notebook plays for Otto the same role that memory plays for Inga. The information in the notebook functions just like the information constituting an ordinary non-occurrent belief; it just happens that this information lies beyond the skin.”

Is anyone but me worried that Otto is wondering around alone on the streets of NYC on his way to the modern art music?  The guy has fucking Alzheimer’s!!  Look at this website (http://www.moma.org/) now does that look like a place that a guy like this should go to by himself?!  This should never be allowed to happen, even in the name of a good philosophical discussion!  I intended to write a serious piece on the meaning of the “Extended Mind” to my life.  It would have been personal and life affirming…but the thought of Otto alone at MOMA has got me really worked up.  The place is probably SWARMING with metaphysicists!  Somebody needs to rescue that guy, gotta go!!!