Welcome to the 1990’s video game advertising! There was a noticeable jump in quality from the commercials seen in the NES era. That being said, a lot of the themes carried over: grungy city scenes, punks loving Nintendo, and weird metaphors. Without further ado, here are the 5 worst Super Nintendo commercials:
5)Killer Instinct
Kids that look like this do not use language that need to be bleeped out creatively. Even if they do, I’m not sold that even in the dorkiest days of my childhood that I would have wanted to be like them. They’re so uncool it makes my blood hurt.
4)Yoshi’s Island
Yet another treasured game from my childhood that I’ll now have terrible terrible associations with. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Yeah, I get the metaphor: the folks at Nintendo packed TOO MUCH into a game. Oh and Yoshi really packs in the food. That’s cool and all, but I really don’t want to be that disturbed and disgusted. And what kind of ghetto diner are they at anyways? I’m just scared at this point. And want no part of this game.
3)The SNES “Super Set”
Things aren’t all bad in this commercial. Huge SNES? As a kid that sounds cool. Guy in tuxedo? I’m willing to listen to someone dressed up like that. Three scantily clad female Marios? Really really confusing. And why would you ever sing into a plunger?? That seems terribly unhygienic. Am I supposed to be aroused by them? I don’t want Mario to turn me on! I don’t think I do anyways. I feel like this commercial might have been more than a little confusing for lots of prepubescent kids out there. It’s certainly still confusing for me.
2)A Link to the Past
When I first saw this, I assumed that there was no way in hell this was a real commercial. I assumed some dorks out there got together, dressed up and pranced around to some sweet sweet tunes. Well, I assumed wrong. This is a legit commercial. Once again, we appear to have one of our heroes portrayed by a girl. For some reason this doesn’t seem half as creepy though. Maybe it’s because the whole commercial is so incredibly strange. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen Link in this kind of situation before. Other than that, this commercial is just creepy. Way scarier than the game.
1)The Super Nintendo Entertainment System
At first this commercial just seems to be full of generic early 90’s stereotypes. A grungy landscape. A bunch of punk kids. Seizure inducing flashing light. Snoozers. And the worst part is… wait a second. Is that Paul Rudd??
No way!
Dear God, it is Paul Rudd! Overly enthusiastic Paul Rudd in fact! Creepily happy and intense Paul Rudd! Who the hell gets their start in video game commercials? Paul Rudd does. This one’s to you Paul. Keep up the good work.
Did I miss any other good ones? Let me know in the comments.
The video game industry has come a long ways in the last 20 years. Fortunately for us, so has video game advertising. Without further ado, here’s the worst five NES commercials that YouTube has to offer.
5) Little Nemo: The Dream Master
OK. Let me get this straight. There’s a van. It drives around, and has a “Dream Scope” that views your dreams. The people in the van, they’re going to use those dreams to create video games. For an only mildly creepy game, this is an incredibly creepy advertising plot. Those people in the van are just a little too excited about these dreams. Honestly, a game about people chasing down creepy dreams in the van might be really fun.
4)Crystalis
Whoa, sweet. Totally doesn’t look like something a bunch of 14 year old LARPers made in their mom’s backyard. My favorite part are all of the… uh… fantastic beasts. Check out the 10 second mark, that behind the puppet shot rocks my socks. The African safari music at the beginning is pretty inspiring too. I really want to play this game, thank god they told me what it was about. Wait, there wasn’t any gameplay footage? I’ll assume you slaughter puppets.
3) Nintendo CGI Montage
So, Nintendo’s telling me that it’s impossible to beat them? I wouldn’t even try if I were you. I do hate that damn dog though. He’s even more of a douche in high-polygon render 3D. And what’s with the upwards inflection when that duck says robot partner? It’s like he’s not sure if you really have a robot. I’m more scared than itching to buy an NES. No thanks.
2) Tetris
This might be the most intense commercial I’ve ever seen; I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, did that little kid dressed as a doctor tell me that I don’t need to touch myself?? That doesn’t seem age appropriate at all. I’m really not sure why that opera singer is in there at all. Are they trying to imply that her singing imploded that building? Or are they saying that poor Tetris players might make unstable buildings. By completing the bottom floor of the building, did it disappear and lead to the collapse? Tetris terrorism right there. And thank god they rotated that kid’s head just enough before it hit his neck. I also really really enjoy that kid showing off his geometry skills and trying to look cool. All in all, it’s a sensory overload of acid trip proportions.
1) The Legend of Zelda
This cracks me up every time I see it. Could anyone be less cool than the kid on the left? And who the hell holds a controller like that? Your hands would cramp up so so badly. Not only is this rap about a really really nerdy subject, they don’t even rap well. How many syllables were in that one line? Too many. And I knew how to hook up my Nintendo really young. I did not need my parent’s help.
Honorable Mention: Nintendo Cereal System
Not really a game, but “Super Mario Chunks” says it all.
I wanted to make a list because we have a list category on this blog, but I couldnt decide on a topic for the list. So, I just decided to make a list of list topics. If you want to see an actual list of any of the topics just let me know.
1. The most annoying puzzles ever put into video games
2. The douchiest foods
3. Meaningless distinctions
4. Uniforms that used to be masculine but now just look gay
5. Pornstars with alliterative names
6. Words that did not exist 50 years ago
7. Technology the world could do without
8. The most geometric landmarks
9. People I would like to see in an argument with Rain Man
10. The gayest prime numbers
11. Goofiest serial killers
12. The best things to put alcohol in
13. Euphemisms that aren’t
14. Superheroines I would have sex with
15. Best ways to die
16. Classic books that actually suck but no one is willing to say it
17. Zombie videogames that still managed to suck
18. Things that are easier to talk about drunk
19. The best things about a Ruben
20. Good places for a breakup
21. Funny combinations of animals
22. Reasons to wear a bolo or a beret (but never both)
23. Grammatical rules that changed the world
24. Why baseball cards are no longer even as cool as Pokemon cards
25. Fads that we knew were bad even at the time but participated in regardless
26. The nerdiest shows on television
27. Millionaires I would mail glitter-filled letters to
28. Songs to make love to
29. Why it is difficult to figure out when to end a list of lists
30. The satisfactory nature of numbers that are multiples of ten
