The Four Nerds

In this article, we discuss the importance of having properly sized chairs.  But first, a true story from the distant past….

The scene begins:  you are a young child and are off exploring in the deep green and vast woods (how you as a child ended up in the woods alone is another story entirely).  Your curious and audacious personality lead you deeper and deeper into the timberland maze, and you wonder what perils await you…

…

Just then, a black bear of pure monstrous size appears a mere meters away.  His appearance is more than threatening, and you begin to wonder if you can hold in your imminent and nervous induced urination despite the irony of being surrounded by nature’s bathroom.  The bear puts on a show of pure confidence and ferocity, displaying both his hulking muscle as well as his razor sharp teeth.

Oh man is this thing scary, it probably has power, courage, and wisdom (all three triforces!).  You wonder if you’ll ever make it out of these woods alive, and you’re too speechless to cry for help.  As your mind finally begins to clear and pass the threshold of pure shock and angst, you begin to see this ferocious beast in his true form.  You take a moment to observe a broadened view of your surroundings…

Is he sitting in a tiny chair and drinking tea?  What a wuss!  You immediately go on the offensive and charge this bulking lump of lard, throwing down a few karate moves.  The bear retreats moments later, full of cowardice and shame.

This, my friends, is an extremely important lesson in chair sizes.  If this bear had been perched upon a throne, like in the Golden Compass or something, than you would have ended up on his plate (you and your crappy karate uniform).  The fact is that this bear, having sat in a tiny chair, greatly lessened his credibility and overall appearence.

Which brings me to my most important point.  Big things trying to sit in small chairs is always really really funny.  There is no scientific way to describe this, it is part of the chaotic and unpredictable part of our world.  Well, maybe not entirely because on average, I have found that a chair must be at least half as large as the minimum sized fitting chair for a patron sitting in it to become funny.

Hollywood is “down with this”, as they have exploited the raw humor of big people in small chairs on several occasions.  In fact, the whole first half of Elf was an elongated joke credited to how funny it is for Will Ferrell to try sitting on tiny chairs.  Billy Madison was no different.  Why were the kindergarden and first grade class scenes more enjoyable?  That’s right…because Billy was forced to sit in small chairs.  As soon as he went to third grade, they knew they had to change gears, and went with the obvious and honorably mentioned “Want to have sex with my teacher” approach, which like I said is somewhat worthy, but still does not compare to small chairs and big people.  Take notice of the real estate discrepancy between Billy’s small chair and the sexy teacher on the movie’s cover.  This is a clear microchosm of the relative humor associated with each joke.

There is one party, however, who does not benefit from the hilarity of tiny chairs.  We speak of course of those big people who actually sit in tiny chairs.  Elf, Billy Madison, and our beloved bear above each suffered from extreme ridicule due to the nature of their miniature stools.  Thus, an important lesson must be taught to the people of this world.  DO NOT SIT IN A CHAIR THAT IS TOO SMALL FOR YOU!  It will ruin your interview, your date, or your authoratative power.  Last year alone, over 10 million people reported decreased standards of living directly related to sitting in tiny chairs.  Don’t be a fool…it could happen to YOU!

Alright nerds, I got something to keep you guys… “entertained” this weekend. The Super Mario 3 Drinking Game. Intrigued? You should be. It’s a (somewhat) simple game, so grab an opponent, a case of cheap domestic brew (root beer of course), and Mario 3 (the original NES version is always preferred, but we’ll let you slide by with Virtual Console, All-Stars, or any other version you got). Load up Mario 3, find a couple controllers, and get ready to roll.

Note: Know your limits.  Don’t drink too much root beer.  Don’t drive after drinking root beer.  Don’t do anything stupid.

The Rules

Play some game of chance to decide who plays as Mario and who gets stuck being Luigi.  You play through the game as normal, but certain things will trigger you, or your opponent, to drink:

• Getting hit by an enemy: Drink 1 second
• Losing a life: Drink 3 seconds
  • This is cumulative with the first rule
• Each extra life you gain: Your opponent drinks 1 second
  • This includes extra lives gained by getting 100 coins, the card flipping game, collecting mushroom/flower/star cards at the end of a level, 1-UP mushrooms, and the spinning Spade Matching game (more on this game later)

For instance, Mario starts the first level.  He gets hit once (one drink for Mario), finds a 1-UP mushroom (one drink for Luigi), gets hit again (one drink for Mario) which causes him to die (three more drinks for Mario).  Mario must drink a total of five seconds, while Luigi owes one second.  The active player is allowed to take all of his drinks at the end of the level as to keep him from having to pause to drink.  Simple enough?  Well let’s examine a couple more rules.

• When entering a normal Mushroom house to receive an item, one of several things can happen:
  • You get a mushroom: You drink 1 second
  • You get a flower: Your opponent drinks 1 second
  • You get a leaf: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
  • You get any other item: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
• Anytime you receive an item which can be used on the world map other than items from a mushroom house: your opponent drinks 1 second, with the exception of…
  • If you receive a “superior” item, your opponent drinks an additional second.  Superior items include Whistles, Frog Suits, Tanooki Suits, Hammer Bro. Suits, and Clouds.

Basically, whenever you receive an item (except mushrooms from mushroom houses), your opponent must drink at least once, twice if it is a good item, or a leaf from a mushroom house.  One last set of rules about the spinning matching (Spade) game:

• Whenever a Spade Game is available, you MUST enter it.
  • If you win, your opponent must drink the amount of extra lives you receive (2 for mushrooms, 3 for flowers, 5 for stars)
  • If you lose, you must drink the highest valued part you selected.
    • For instance, if you end up with Flower/Mushroom/Mushroom, you drink 3 seconds because of the Flower.  With Star/Mushroom/Flower, you would drink 5 seconds because of the Star showing.

Although not a rule, players who decide to finish a world without finishing every level should be ridiculed relentlessly.  Also, engaging in the mini game where a player challenges his opponent where they have to collect 5 coins is highly discouraged, but the player instigating this game must drink 2 seconds before he may start playing the game.  The loser must also drink for 1 second.  There are several extra rules that can be implemented if so desired:

• If more than two people want to play, players may split into teams.  Both members of a team must drink.
• If an odd number of players want to play, they should be split into three teams.  The third team must drink when either of the other teams should drink.  They gain control from another team when either of the other teams lose a life.  That team then must drink for both teams until one loses a life.
• Experienced players, try this for an added challenge: when you are the active player, you must drink directly after you get hit, no pausing.  This makes for some interesting situations – which hand do you want to drink with, etc.

Enjoy the weekend and give this game a shot.  Let us know how it goes.  And remember, don’t do anything too stupid.

The video game industry has come a long ways in the last 20 years.  Fortunately for us, so has video game advertising.  Without further ado, here’s the worst five NES commercials that YouTube has to offer.

5) Little Nemo: The Dream Master

OK. Let me get this straight. There’s a van. It drives around, and has a “Dream Scope” that views your dreams. The people in the van, they’re going to use those dreams to create video games. For an only mildly creepy game, this is an incredibly creepy advertising plot. Those people in the van are just a little too excited about these dreams. Honestly, a game about people chasing down creepy dreams in the van might be really fun.

4)Crystalis

Whoa, sweet. Totally doesn’t look like something a bunch of 14 year old LARPers made in their mom’s backyard. My favorite part are all of the… uh… fantastic beasts. Check out the 10 second mark, that behind the puppet shot rocks my socks. The African safari music at the beginning is pretty inspiring too. I really want to play this game, thank god they told me what it was about. Wait, there wasn’t any gameplay footage? I’ll assume you slaughter puppets.

3) Nintendo CGI Montage

So, Nintendo’s telling me that it’s impossible to beat them? I wouldn’t even try if I were you. I do hate that damn dog though. He’s even more of a douche in high-polygon render 3D. And what’s with the upwards inflection when that duck says robot partner? It’s like he’s not sure if you really have a robot. I’m more scared than itching to buy an NES. No thanks.

2) Tetris

This might be the most intense commercial I’ve ever seen; I’m not even sure where to start. First of all, did that little kid dressed as a doctor tell me that I don’t need to touch myself?? That doesn’t seem age appropriate at all. I’m really not sure why that opera singer is in there at all. Are they trying to imply that her singing imploded that building? Or are they saying that poor Tetris players might make unstable buildings. By completing the bottom floor of the building, did it disappear and lead to the collapse? Tetris terrorism right there. And thank god they rotated that kid’s head just enough before it hit his neck. I also really really enjoy that kid showing off his geometry skills and trying to look cool. All in all, it’s a sensory overload of acid trip proportions.

1) The Legend of Zelda

This cracks me up every time I see it. Could anyone be less cool than the kid on the left? And who the hell holds a controller like that? Your hands would cramp up so so badly. Not only is this rap about a really really nerdy subject, they don’t even rap well. How many syllables were in that one line? Too many. And I knew how to hook up my Nintendo really young. I did not need my parent’s help.

Honorable Mention: Nintendo Cereal System

Not really a game, but “Super Mario Chunks” says it all.