The Four Nerds

Nov 10 2009

The 5 Worst SNES Commercials

Welcome to the 1990′s video game advertising! There was a noticeable jump in quality from the commercials seen in the NES era. That being said, a lot of the themes carried over: grungy city scenes, punks loving Nintendo, and weird metaphors. Without further ado, here are the 5 worst Super Nintendo commercials:

5)Killer Instinct

Kids that look like this do not use language that need to be bleeped out creatively. Even if they do, I’m not sold that even in the dorkiest days of my childhood that I would have wanted to be like them. They’re so uncool it makes my blood hurt.

4)Yoshi’s Island

Yet another treasured game from my childhood that I’ll now have terrible terrible associations with. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Yeah, I get the metaphor: the folks at Nintendo packed TOO MUCH into a game. Oh and Yoshi really packs in the food. That’s cool and all, but I really don’t want to be that disturbed and disgusted. And what kind of ghetto diner are they at anyways? I’m just scared at this point. And want no part of this game.

3)The SNES “Super Set”

Things aren’t all bad in this commercial. Huge SNES? As a kid that sounds cool. Guy in tuxedo? I’m willing to listen to someone dressed up like that. Three scantily clad female Marios? Really really confusing. And why would you ever sing into a plunger?? That seems terribly unhygienic. Am I supposed to be aroused by them? I don’t want Mario to turn me on! I don’t think I do anyways. I feel like this commercial might have been more than a little confusing for lots of prepubescent kids out there. It’s certainly still confusing for me.

2)A Link to the Past

When I first saw this, I assumed that there was no way in hell this was a real commercial. I assumed some dorks out there got together, dressed up and pranced around to some sweet sweet tunes. Well, I assumed wrong. This is a legit commercial. Once again, we appear to have one of our heroes portrayed by a girl. For some reason this doesn’t seem half as creepy though. Maybe it’s because the whole commercial is so incredibly strange. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen Link in this kind of situation before. Other than that, this commercial is just creepy. Way scarier than the game.

1)The Super Nintendo Entertainment System

At first this commercial just seems to be full of generic early 90′s stereotypes. A grungy landscape. A bunch of punk kids. Seizure inducing flashing light. Snoozers. And the worst part is… wait a second. Is that Paul Rudd??

No way!

Dear God, it is Paul Rudd! Overly enthusiastic Paul Rudd in fact! Creepily happy and intense Paul Rudd! Who the hell gets their start in video game commercials? Paul Rudd does. This one’s to you Paul. Keep up the good work.

Did I miss any other good ones? Let me know in the comments.

1 comment | tags: classic games, commercials, Lists, Television, Video Games | posted in Lists, Television, Video Games

Nov 9 2009

The Most Brutal Halloween Ever

The Manliest Use of Eye Shadow Ever

This and subsequent Metalocalypse posts commemorate the new season, which began last night and every Sunday at 12:30 on Adult Swim (Cartoon Network).

For Halloween I dressed up as Nathan Explosion. For those of you unfamiliar with who Nathan Explosion is, it was good to see you Saturday night. It really was terrible; not one person that I talked to knew who I was. And it makes me question to what is this world coming. Have we lost our cultural literacy? What is important to the American identity? Do we have one? Who represents me; what is America?

Since apparently an explanation is warranted, Nathan Explosion is the frontman and singer for Dethklock, a fictitious death metal band featured on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim show Metalocalypse. In a word, this show is brilliant. Dethklock is the most popular band in the world and is described by Dethklock’s archnemesis, the Tribunal (although it is a little unclear whether Dethklock even knows they have a nemesis- more on this later) as “the world’s greatest cultural force.” Almost every episode ends with a brutal metal concert of epic proportions, but most of the show is devoted to showing the band behind the scenes. It turns out they are pretty much incompetent at everything that doesn’t involve playing music, and there is some question about even that (poor Toki). The show is subtle and telling in a way that only a show about a death metal band can be, but it is also a raucous good time. Basically, the viewer is provided with a great juxtaposition: the simplicity of life, even the life of a superstar, against the extreme brutality of death metal (I cannot think of an episode where at least one character does not meet a grisly end). Need more proof the show belongs as a part of our cultural literacy? Tommy Blacha, who voices the two most incompetent band members, put paper towels in his mouth to create the voice of Murderface. As I am sure you are already thinking this is a clear homage to a true bastion of cultural literacy, Demosthenes. Demosthenes was a Greek speech writer, orator, and politician, but he was cursed with a speech impediment and ridiculed for his long, boring, and formal style of argument. I don’t know how he cured being boring, but to cure his impediment, Demosthenes practiced his speeches with pebbles in his mouth. The great orator of our time, Murderface, has followed suit. I suppose I have gushed long enough; just watch it. I was asked this weekend what my favorite Adult Swim show is, and I honestly could not pick between Metalocalypse and Robot Chicken.

Because I have breached the subject, this paragraph will be about the comparative awesomeness of Robot Chicken and Metalocalypse and my gratitude to Cartoon Network for allowing Adult Swim to exist; if you are just interested in cultural literacy, skip it egghead. I have to hand it to Robot Chicken; their best shows and vignettes are probably some of the best programming found on television, bar none. But, some of it is just fart jokes. This doesn’t make it bad; it just isn’t particularly insightful or deep. Metalocalypse, on the other hand, never disappoints visually. Their seizure-inducing visuals are engaging and stunning, and the music is energetic and life-affirming. Sometimes the action/story is lackluster as the show follows the band members, but, in terms of being consistently solid, I have to tip my hat towards the boys in black. At the end of the day I refuse to draw bright lines in the sands of greatness, but I will commend any evil corporation that allows Adult Swim to exist. Upon research, I found that Adult Swim is actually owned by a separate division of Turner Broadcasting than Cartoon Network so that the ratings will be calculated separately. I hate to think about even our artists as owned by such a conglomeration, but I’m not out to change the world (you win this round Tom). I just appreciate good programming. Thank you Turner broadcasting! (Also, CNN is a ridiculous excuse for news but someone has to take market share from those clam diggers at FUX)

So, how can we have forsaken the “world’s greatest cultural force”? Because we have no concept of cultural literacy any more. There are two reasons for this. First, we have gotten comfortable and complacent; second, our culture has become complicated.

Stay tuned for more on cultural literacy and Metalocalypse. Subsequent posts to follow.

6 comments | tags: dethklock, kirk, metalocalypse, nathan explosion | posted in Adult Swim, Television

Nov 6 2009

New Super Mario Bros. Wii – 4 Things More People Should Be Talking About

Get Pumped!

When I found out that Nintendo was planning on releasing a new Super Mario Brothers for the Wii, I was pretty ecstatic. Nintendo has done a great job with the previous New Super Mario Bros. for the DS, and Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii is the 3rd best game of all time according to the review aggregator Gamerankings.com, so it was assumed that this game would be fantastic as well. News slowly leaked out about how great this game was, and a huge surprise was the fact that it would be the first Mario title to allow true simultaneous multiplayer. In fact, it seems that all news pertaining to the game has been examining this new facet of the game. However, I think that there are four other things that people should be talking about with less than two weeks remaining until the game’s release.

The Return of the Koopalings

Many of us who grew up playing Super Mario 3 and Super Mario World, not to mention the awesome cartoon shows based on the games, remember the Koopalings as Bowser’s mysterious, apparently motherless, children. Those of you who don’t, should probably watch this informational video:

That’s right, they’ve got badass magic wands and airships. What more could you ask for?? For some reason, these fantastic characters were replaced in later Mario games by this pathetic excuse of a creature:

Oh cool, a bib.

Sweet, just what I’ve always wanted to do, fight a baby. Bowser Jr. is probably the most pathetic excuse for a villain I’ve ever seen. Luckily for us, Nintendo is bringing back the Koopalings in all of their newly 3D glory:

So much cooler

I’m a little too excited about this, and even though they’re sharing the stage with Bowser Jr, I’m quite confident that fighting them will be just as satisfying as it was back in 1993.

The Penguin Suit

I don’t really understand why, but nerds love penguins. A solid percent of the shirts of shirt.woot.com are penguin related (see here here and here) and the mascot of the Linux kernel is Tux. Why wouldn’t we be excited for Mario being able to turn into a penguin?? This seems long overdue. Not to mention, Mario hasn’t had a good underwater travel suit since the frog suit of Super Mario 3. I’m excited to slide around and destroy a few goombas (and Luigi if he gets in my way).

The Difficulty is Through the Roof

According to several sources, Nintendo is taking the kid’s gloves off this time around – sort of anyways.

I've been training for this for 20 years now.

Apparently Nintendo has decided to reward hardcore gamers who have stuck by their system. The New Super Mario Bros. Wii is apparently, by far, the most difficult game in the series to date. After complaints about the simplicity of previous Mario games, this comes as welcome news, and it also alleviates concerns about the game’s “Super Guide” feature where the player lets the game’s A.I. finish a level for them if they’ve failed repeatedly. This opens the door for all kinds of good natured ribbing at your friends who have to use this feature to finish the game. Considering many of us have probably played previous Mario games so many times that we have to find ways to challenge ourselves, all this talk of teeth grinding difficulty gets me all riled up. Nintendo’s “Super Guide” feature allows hardcore gamers to sink their teeth into a difficult game without alienating any eight year olds or moms.

The Music

It’s certainly premature to cast definitive votes about the music and sound effects in the game, but from the videos thus far, it sounds great. Give it a listen yourself, and start counting down the days to the release:

4 comments | tags: mario, mario bros., music, previews | posted in David, Video Games