Every real nerd enjoys a good Mega Man game. So much in fact that we tend to form arbitrary and emotional opinions regarding the quality of the game’s elements, especially the infamous boss robots (in this case). Many biased lists have appeared that attempt to rate the best and/or worst bosses of the series (including this one…http://retro.ign.com/articles/885/885610p1.html). However, too few of these lists include the Mega Man X series, which is newer, cleaner, and more fun (right?).
Thus, I present to you the best and worst of the Mega Man X bosses. In particular, I will try to convey the emotions that these bosses uniquely brought out in me, and why those emotions lead me to either like or dislike the character. I’ve decided to choose a standout characters from the first five games only.
This guy is the epitome of badass. First of all, he’s a frickin octopus. The Mega Man X bosses are inspired by various animals, and what is more intimidating and threatening than an octopus. I know I was always scared of them, and thus I am scared of the Mega Man manifestation. In addition to his natural form, Launch Octopus is full of attitude. At the beginning of a battle, he taunts Mega Man with the classic “you’re going down” gesture. As far as his attacks go, Launch Octopus mixes long range missile attacks with close quarters combat.
Launch Octopus is a great boss because he combines these elements above to create a character whom the player fears and is genuinely intimidated by. Thus, he easily tops the charts as the best Mega Man X boss of all time (he’s even better than some of those NES Mega Man Bosses…yes I’m talking to you Charge Man…you big dumb fuck train).
Duff McWhalen (Arbitrary Greatness Score = 3.14)
Remind you of anyone?
Duff McWhalen is a pretty sweet boss. Sure he’s clearly a rip off of classic whale antagonists such as Moby Dick and Monstro, but there is always room in my heart for another giant pussy whale.
I mean, seriously, what is more threatening than having a Whale eat you alive!?
Wait…what?…oh…he doesn’t eat you…uh huh…uh huh…oh he just throws ice cubes at you?…goddamnit…Alright everyone show’s over! I’m gonna go play some Mega Man 3, everyone knows that’s where the real action is anyway … screw you Mega Man X creators…and sorry Charge Man, I actually like you a lot.
Alright nerds, I got something to keep you guys… “entertained” this weekend. The Super Mario 3 Drinking Game. Intrigued? You should be. It’s a (somewhat) simple game, so grab an opponent, a case of cheap domestic brew (root beer of course), and Mario 3 (the original NES version is always preferred, but we’ll let you slide by with Virtual Console, All-Stars, or any other version you got). Load up Mario 3, find a couple controllers, and get ready to roll.
Note: Know your limits. Don’t drink too much root beer. Don’t drive after drinking root beer. Don’t do anything stupid.
The Rules
Play some game of chance to decide who plays as Mario and who gets stuck being Luigi. You play through the game as normal, but certain things will trigger you, or your opponent, to drink:
Getting hit by an enemy: Drink 1 second
Losing a life: Drink 3 seconds
This is cumulative with the first rule
Each extra life you gain: Your opponent drinks 1 second
This includes extra lives gained by getting 100 coins, the card flipping game, collecting mushroom/flower/star cards at the end of a level, 1-UP mushrooms, and the spinning Spade Matching game (more on this game later)
For instance, Mario starts the first level. He gets hit once (one drink for Mario), finds a 1-UP mushroom (one drink for Luigi), gets hit again (one drink for Mario) which causes him to die (three more drinks for Mario). Mario must drink a total of five seconds, while Luigi owes one second. The active player is allowed to take all of his drinks at the end of the level as to keep him from having to pause to drink. Simple enough? Well let’s examine a couple more rules.
When entering a normal Mushroom house to receive an item, one of several things can happen:
You get a mushroom: You drink 1 second
You get a flower: Your opponent drinks 1 second
You get a leaf: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
You get any other item: Your opponent drinks 2 seconds
Anytime you receive an item which can be used on the world map other than items from a mushroom house: your opponent drinks 1 second, with the exception of…
If you receive a “superior” item, your opponent drinks an additional second. Superior items include Whistles, Frog Suits, Tanooki Suits, Hammer Bro. Suits, and Clouds.
Basically, whenever you receive an item (except mushrooms from mushroom houses), your opponent must drink at least once, twice if it is a good item, or a leaf from a mushroom house. One last set of rules about the spinning matching (Spade) game:
Whenever a Spade Game is available, you MUST enter it.
If you win, your opponent must drink the amount of extra lives you receive (2 for mushrooms, 3 for flowers, 5 for stars)
If you lose, you must drink the highest valued part you selected.
For instance, if you end up with Flower/Mushroom/Mushroom, you drink 3 seconds because of the Flower. With Star/Mushroom/Flower, you would drink 5 seconds because of the Star showing.
Although not a rule, players who decide to finish a world without finishing every level should be ridiculed relentlessly. Also, engaging in the mini game where a player challenges his opponent where they have to collect 5 coins is highly discouraged, but the player instigating this game must drink 2 seconds before he may start playing the game. The loser must also drink for 1 second. There are several extra rules that can be implemented if so desired:
If more than two people want to play, players may split into teams. Both members of a team must drink.
If an odd number of players want to play, they should be split into three teams. The third team must drink when either of the other teams should drink. They gain control from another team when either of the other teams lose a life. That team then must drink for both teams until one loses a life.
Experienced players, try this for an added challenge: when you are the active player, you must drink directly after you get hit, no pausing. This makes for some interesting situations – which hand do you want to drink with, etc.
Enjoy the weekend and give this game a shot. Let us know how it goes. And remember, don’t do anything too stupid.
Some people think that it was wrong for Capcom to drive around in the infamous “Dream Machine” and record the dreams of sleeping children during the summer of 1989. The technology that allowed them to do this had only very recently been invented and, as a result, there were few regulations on its use. When the commercial for this game first aired in April 1990, it created a major controversy. Families demanded to know the roads that Capcom had driven down late
Scary shit....
at night. Some sued out of anger, some sued out of greed. National boycotts were organized, and Capcom was on the verge of firing the entire branch responsible for this game. But small voices arose amidst the clamor. Why, it was the children…Led by none other than Lucas Bridges who starred at the 8 second mark of this commercial. It was he who should have the most cause for rage. Not only had Capcom stuck an actual camera in his window and filmed him having a nightmare, but they used him in their commercial without his consent! What did he have to say about all this? Surely he would condemn their actions! But no, he did not. He, and thousands of nerds like him, thanked Capcom. They thanked Capcom for what it had done, because it had given them the courage and strength to fight their deepest darkest secrets and dreams on THEIR home court, the NES! There was story after story, tear after tear, as each child told of how this video game had helped them to overcome their fear of things like turning into a frog, dried up dandelions seeds, running into doors covered in locks without enough keys, and playing a video game with very few checkpoints.
The adults were taken aback by the passion with which these children protected their game. After several weeks of debate, the children won! It was decided that they had the right to make the ultimate decision. This was a monumental and historic moment in the long struggle for Childrens’ Rights. For the first time, the establishment was beaten back, and Children took a huge step toward determining their own destiny! Two years later, this led to the 28th amendment giving children rights unprecedented in the history of the world! So kids, next time your parents try to make you go to bed at 10 PM and you tell them to fuck off, just remember that you’ve got Capcom’s “creepy” Dream Machine Crew and the brave children to thank!
Lucas Bridges and co. before their historic march on Washington
