The Four Nerds

In this article, we discuss the importance of having properly sized chairs.  But first, a true story from the distant past….

The scene begins:  you are a young child and are off exploring in the deep green and vast woods (how you as a child ended up in the woods alone is another story entirely).  Your curious and audacious personality lead you deeper and deeper into the timberland maze, and you wonder what perils await you…

…

Oh No! A Bear!

Just then, a black bear of pure monstrous size appears a mere meters away.  His appearance is more than threatening, and you begin to wonder if you can hold in your imminent and nervous induced urination despite the irony of being surrounded by nature’s bathroom.  The bear puts on a show of pure confidence and ferocity, displaying both his hulking muscle as well as his razor sharp teeth.

Oh man is this thing scary, it probably has power, courage, and wisdom (all three triforces!).  You wonder if you’ll ever make it out of these woods alive, and you’re too speechless to cry for help.  As your mind finally begins to clear and pass the threshold of pure shock and angst, you begin to see this ferocious beast in his true form.  You take a moment to observe a broadened view of your surroundings…

What the hell...

Is he sitting in a tiny chair and drinking tea?  What a wuss!  You immediately go on the offensive and charge this bulking lump of lard, throwing down a few karate moves.  The bear retreats moments later, full of cowardice and shame.

This, my friends, is an extremely important lesson in chair sizes.  If this bear had been perched upon a throne, like in the Golden Compass or something, than you would have ended up on his plate (you and your crappy karate uniform).  The fact is that this bear, having sat in a tiny chair, greatly lessened his credibility and overall appearence.

Which brings me to my most important point.  Big things trying to sit in small chairs is always really really funny.  There is no scientific way to describe this, it is part of the chaotic and unpredictable part of our world.  Well, maybe not entirely because on average, I have found that a chair must be at least half as large as the minimum sized fitting chair for a patron sitting in it to become funny.

Hollywood is “down with this”, as they have exploited the raw humor of big people in small chairs on several occasions.  In fact, the whole first half of Elf was an elongated joke credited to how funny it is for Will Ferrell to try sitting on tiny chairs.  Billy Madison was no different.  Why were the kindergarden and first grade class scenes more enjoyable?  That’s right…because Billy was forced to sit in small chairs.  As soon as he went to third grade, they knew they had to change gears, and went with the obvious and honorably mentioned “Want to have sex with my teacher” approach, which like I said is somewhat worthy, but still does not compare to small chairs and big people.  Take notice of the real estate discrepancy between Billy’s small chair and the sexy teacher on the movie’s cover.  This is a clear microchosm of the relative humor associated with each joke.

There is one party, however, who does not benefit from the hilarity of tiny chairs.  We speak of course of those big people who actually sit in tiny chairs.  Elf, Billy Madison, and our beloved bear above each suffered from extreme ridicule due to the nature of their miniature stools.  Thus, an important lesson must be taught to the people of this world.  DO NOT SIT IN A CHAIR THAT IS TOO SMALL FOR YOU!  It will ruin your interview, your date, or your authoratative power.  Last year alone, over 10 million people reported decreased standards of living directly related to sitting in tiny chairs.  Don’t be a fool…it could happen to YOU!

I wanted to make a list because we have a list category on this blog, but I couldnt decide on a topic for the list. So, I just decided to make a list of list topics. If you want to see an actual list of any of the topics just let me know.

1. The most annoying puzzles ever put into video games
2. The douchiest foods
3. Meaningless distinctions
4. Uniforms that used to be masculine but now just look gay
5. Pornstars with alliterative names
6. Words that did not exist 50 years ago
7. Technology the world could do without
8. The most geometric landmarks
9. People I would like to see in an argument with Rain Man
10. The gayest prime numbers
11. Goofiest serial killers
12. The best things to put alcohol in
13. Euphemisms that aren’t
14. Superheroines I would have sex with
15. Best ways to die
16. Classic books that actually suck but no one is willing to say it
17. Zombie videogames that still managed to suck
18. Things that are easier to talk about drunk
19. The best things about a Ruben
20. Good places for a breakup
21. Funny combinations of animals
22. Reasons to wear a bolo or a beret (but never both)
23. Grammatical rules that changed the world
24. Why baseball cards are no longer even as cool as Pokemon cards
25. Fads that we knew were bad even at the time but participated in regardless
26. The nerdiest shows on television
27. Millionaires I would mail glitter-filled letters to
28. Songs to make love to
29. Why it is difficult to figure out when to end a list of lists
30. The satisfactory nature of numbers that are multiples of ten

I am a big fan of yoga. Especially when it is done by other people. There is a lot to be said for the world being a more flexible place. First of all a flexible woman is just fantastic in bed. It is not the determinative factor, but you have certainly widened the realm of possibilities. Second, from a public policy standpoint there is no reason for the confinement of contortionists to circuses; they have enough problem with confinement already. Also, I am bored. I go through my daily life rarely getting surprised by where I find people: the road, hallways, various shops. It’s really gotten monotonous. But, what if you were feeling a little peckish, so you walked into your kitchen for a Hot Pocket. You open the freezer, and there are three limber ladies stuffed in there like intertwined frozen pretzels. How exciting! I would leave my doors unlocked if I thought that was a possibility. It’s worth the risk of getting robbed. Not to mention you have three women, who you already know have passed aforementioned flexibility test, right in your house.
So, you are probably wondering what this has to do with nerdiness or the Wankel Rotary Engine. So am I. At my gym there are waterless urinals; for the women out there a urinal is, well this is a nerd website so no need to explain. My point here is that these urinals are “the latest in waterless technology.” I know that because it says so; my piss splashes (surprisingly particulate splashes- I think there is some sort of Teflon coating at work here that makes urine bead up) right across this logo. I don’t get it. We have had waterless toilets; they were called outhouses. President Johnson spent a lot of time and money educating children, especially in rural areas, about the existence and benefits of indoor plumbing. If not for the Economic Opportunity Act of 1964, my gym’s waterless pisser would be quite appropriate, but because of its clear effect in the modern world, the existence of waterless technology is a clear affront to Mr. Johnson’s legacy. Is having your third heart attack take you out of this world not enough? By the way, Cassius Clay, the real one (emancipationist and cousin of Henry Clay), was a badass. Pot has taken most of my memory, and I don’t do research beyond what I find on Wikipedia (I’m just a busy man) – another aside, the fact that Wikipedia does not reference any of the three events that make Clay a badass but they do include his involvement in the Cuban Charitable Aid Society is a shameful commentary on the liberalization and pussification of the United states- so the facts here may be wrong, but the general jist is right. First, Clay was the target of a hired assassin. The assassin shot him in the chest, so Clay, being a badass, pulled out his bowie knife, which had helped slow the bullet, and proceeded to mercilessly carve up the assassin, who I think actually survived. Amazing for both of them in a time before penicillin. Second, at an anti-slavery rally, Clay was attacked by the son of a local slave owner; ironically he too was the son of a slave owner. Actually, that is not ironic; at best it is an interesting but meaningless observation, so an apology to David, who would have corrected me anyway. He fought back against the onslaught, but a crowd had formed (apparently emancipation in 1850s Kentucky was unpopular) who wrestled Clay’s knife away from him and stabbed him in the lung. Despite another gaping chest wound, he wrestled the knife away from the crowd, and racing against the time before he passed out from loss of blood Clay tracked down his original assailant in the crowd and stabbed him. The bitch died later; it only took one chest wound to take him out. And that is why slavery is not a viable economic system. Finally, and here is where my memory gets hazy, as an old man enjoying the obvious benefits of senility (probably brought on from periodic blood loss) and his 15 year old bride, Clay was robbed late one night. The short story is that he pulled out that damn knife again and wrecked house on the three robbers. I think there was some chasing involved. I don’t know; do some research and get back to me.
I like the Wankel rotary engine. But first, Tetris only has pieces comprised of four blocks; hence “tet.” David just let me in on this epiphany; someone should have let me know earlier. Wasted my damn childhood. I’m not sure if the Wankel rotary engine is superior to a traditional piston engine, but it does represent out of the box thinking, of which I approve. My understanding (I moved from philosophy/political science as an undergrad to law school, so my understanding of anything remotely practical is pretty much nonexistent) is that the Wankel rotary engine needs fewer repairs b/c there are fewer moving parts. Also, I like the idea of my car being powered by a big gerbil wheel. For those of you who don’t know what the Wankel rotary engine is; it is a rotary engine invented by Wankel. Look it up; I ain’t your mama. And that’s the word.