The Four Nerds

In this article, we discuss the importance of having properly sized chairs.  But first, a true story from the distant past….

The scene begins:  you are a young child and are off exploring in the deep green and vast woods (how you as a child ended up in the woods alone is another story entirely).  Your curious and audacious personality lead you deeper and deeper into the timberland maze, and you wonder what perils await you…

…

Oh No! A Bear!

Just then, a black bear of pure monstrous size appears a mere meters away.  His appearance is more than threatening, and you begin to wonder if you can hold in your imminent and nervous induced urination despite the irony of being surrounded by nature’s bathroom.  The bear puts on a show of pure confidence and ferocity, displaying both his hulking muscle as well as his razor sharp teeth.

Oh man is this thing scary, it probably has power, courage, and wisdom (all three triforces!).  You wonder if you’ll ever make it out of these woods alive, and you’re too speechless to cry for help.  As your mind finally begins to clear and pass the threshold of pure shock and angst, you begin to see this ferocious beast in his true form.  You take a moment to observe a broadened view of your surroundings…

What the hell...

Is he sitting in a tiny chair and drinking tea?  What a wuss!  You immediately go on the offensive and charge this bulking lump of lard, throwing down a few karate moves.  The bear retreats moments later, full of cowardice and shame.

This, my friends, is an extremely important lesson in chair sizes.  If this bear had been perched upon a throne, like in the Golden Compass or something, than you would have ended up on his plate (you and your crappy karate uniform).  The fact is that this bear, having sat in a tiny chair, greatly lessened his credibility and overall appearence.

Which brings me to my most important point.  Big things trying to sit in small chairs is always really really funny.  There is no scientific way to describe this, it is part of the chaotic and unpredictable part of our world.  Well, maybe not entirely because on average, I have found that a chair must be at least half as large as the minimum sized fitting chair for a patron sitting in it to become funny.

Hollywood is “down with this”, as they have exploited the raw humor of big people in small chairs on several occasions.  In fact, the whole first half of Elf was an elongated joke credited to how funny it is for Will Ferrell to try sitting on tiny chairs.  Billy Madison was no different.  Why were the kindergarden and first grade class scenes more enjoyable?  That’s right…because Billy was forced to sit in small chairs.  As soon as he went to third grade, they knew they had to change gears, and went with the obvious and honorably mentioned “Want to have sex with my teacher” approach, which like I said is somewhat worthy, but still does not compare to small chairs and big people.  Take notice of the real estate discrepancy between Billy’s small chair and the sexy teacher on the movie’s cover.  This is a clear microchosm of the relative humor associated with each joke.

There is one party, however, who does not benefit from the hilarity of tiny chairs.  We speak of course of those big people who actually sit in tiny chairs.  Elf, Billy Madison, and our beloved bear above each suffered from extreme ridicule due to the nature of their miniature stools.  Thus, an important lesson must be taught to the people of this world.  DO NOT SIT IN A CHAIR THAT IS TOO SMALL FOR YOU!  It will ruin your interview, your date, or your authoratative power.  Last year alone, over 10 million people reported decreased standards of living directly related to sitting in tiny chairs.  Don’t be a fool…it could happen to YOU!